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I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green... [Aug. 22nd, 2010|04:35 pm]

I'm in a usual Sunday mood... well usual of late, anyway...

I'm crazy depressed and anxious and lonely and everything under the sun...

I need a good damn cry, and I can't fucking cry....

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Drumming noise... [Aug. 15th, 2010|03:18 pm]

Today was crap. We went to the Big Pineapple and Mooloolooba and some strawberry picking place. I didn't enjoy it. Luke reckons I would've hated it no matter what we did. He's probably right, but I can't help but feel like maybe it's telling me something, considering it's happened the last few weekends. I think I need to expand my circle of friends. Not to replace the ones I have, because they're my friends and I love them. Just to expand a bit, so that I have some more options on the weekend and that kind of thing. We like such different things, and I just never seem to have a good time when I go with them anymore. I don't know, it's weird. Maybe I need to meet some more people who are keen to do the things I want to do, which really just include sitting around smoking and chatting and eating and such, which obviously isn't very exciting, but really is what I enjoy doing. Again, it wouldn't be to replace the friends I currently have, it would just be to expand the options a little, because I'm sure I bring them down everytime I go with them and get into a bad mood because I'm bored or tired or just generally not enjoying whatever it is we're doing. We'll see.

Meanwhile, things with Josh are getting really really awkward. It's not going anywhere, and that's due to multiple things. I already know that. Now I'm at the stage where I feel like I really need to talk to him about it, I just have no idea how to do it. I've never done it before. He keeps showing up at my house with surprises, which is lovely of him, but it just makes it harder. I can't exactly be like "thanks for the adorable teddy bear, but unfortunately I don't feel anything for you, sorry." I'm going to have to bring this up, because after all, it's my own fault that it's happening in the first place. I just have no idea how to do it.

Anyway, I should sign off. I have some work I need to get done before Monday, and weirdly enough for me, I'm really not in the mood to do it. But I figure if I just get it out of the way now, maybe I'll have time to cheer up before I go to bed. I really hate going to sleep feeling sad and depressed and contemplative and just generally shitty.

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Bulletproof [Aug. 4th, 2010|06:58 pm]

Just a really quick entry. Had a bit of a shithouse day today.

Really couldn't be fucked going into it, but I have this awful feeling my secondment is going to end early, which would really suck. I don't have much to go on, just a few things here and there, things I've overheard and observed and shit. I'll be pretty devo if that happens, probably a little bit pissed off, but mainly just mega disappointed. I've decided that this is what I want my career to be, so of course having to give it up early would suck. I just really hate the fact that I have no idea what's going on, and I really hate the fact that what I do in the future completely depends on what somebody else chooses to do. Especially someone with a proven track record of changing their mind constantly. But anyway, I could be reading way too much into nothing, this is just what I've convinced myself is going on.

Boywise, I was "seeing how it goes" with a boy. Evidently, I've decided it's not going anywhere. Of course, I haven't actually told him this yet. I probably should, but I'm so fucking bad at those conversations. Suffice to say I'm hoping the problem will just go away.

That's about it, I'm going to log in and do a little bit of work despite the fact I'm exhausted...guess I've gotta make sure I'm at the top of my game right now.

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English summer rain [Jul. 3rd, 2010|12:19 pm]

I can't remember when the last time I wrote was, but anyway. Nothing interesting has been happening, same old same old. Back at work now, it's going good, again same as usual. Although I keep thinking about how the end of my secondment is looming closer and closer. I mean, I know I still have 3 months to go, but that's going to go quickly, and then I'm back to what I was doing before. And I'm fairly sure that's going to happen, because I'm fairly sure the guy who I'm covering wants to go back to what he was doing. Sigh. We'll see how it goes.

Speaking of work, I went out with that guy from work. It was okay, but the same as when I always go out with a guy. I can sit here and logically say he's a really nice guy, there's nothing wrong with him, he's doing everything right, but I just don't feel anything. I can tell he's really keen, and I'm trying my hardest to give off "you're nice, but I'm just not down with it" vibes. It doesn't seem to be going very well though, due to the fact he really wants to do something this weekend. I'm considering doing it just so I can say I gave it a good go, but I'm really really doubtful that it would do anything. I know what I'm like, and I know when my mind is made up. I'm going to have to talk to him about it, which isn't exciting me in the slightest. Usually I just close down and get really distant, but I don't think I could do that with someone I work with. I have to see him everyday, so yeah... I don't know. I'm no good at these discussions. I'm thinking about running with "I don't want to date someone I work with", but that's probably not a good idea, because the truth of the matter is, if I met someone at work who I thought was fantastic, I'd do it in a heartbeat. So I think that would be a little mean, turning him down because of that, because imagine if I met someone else in the next couple of months and went for it. No, that would be very bad. My other option is just going "there's nothing wrong with you, I'm a cunt with extremely high standards and I know when I feel something, and unfortunately I don't feel it". I also think that wouldn't go down very well. LE SIGH.

I've been thinking about this whole thing a lot recently, like about how I never feel anything for anyone and such. I've always kind of blamed it on my ex boyfriends, in the sense that they've damaged me and I'm all scared underneath and all that. But I'm starting to think that it's less that, and maybe, just maybe, I don't really want a relationship as much as I thought I did. I'm very self sufficient, and truth be told, happy the majority of the time on my own. Maybe being in a relationship with myself is all I really need, for the moment anyway. If you think about it, it's perfect. I love spending time with myself, I don't get sick of myself, I'm never going to cheat on myself or fuck myself over, I love my taste in music, I can get myself off (and furthermore, I can get myself off quite well), I love my friends and they love me, I love my family and they love me... I don't know. It's just a thought. It's not like I have to make a decision or anything, I just wish I understood myself a little better. See? There's that niggling little thing that's in every relationship, so that makes my relationship with myself even BETTER, because I like a little drama every now and then.

Shrug. One thing I DO need to make a decision on is what to do with this boy from work. Ugh. This shit is too damn hard, I wish I had someone to do these things for me.

That's all. I'm cold and I'm pretty sure my fingers are about to snap off.
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Brrrr [Jun. 29th, 2010|01:08 pm]

So yesterday ended up being pretty good. Elizabeth came over in the afternoon, she got me this kickass red lamp. I'm in love with it. Just need to clean my room so I can find somewhere decent to put it! The family dinner was also great... I had an awesome time. I'm actually a little bit sad that it's over, but hey... time goes on, right?

Going to the movies tonight with the boy from work... still have no idea whether it's a platonic hang out, or whether it's a word-that-I-hate-saying. I guess I'll find out tonight. We'll see. I spoke to this cool-seeming boy on Grindr for hours last night, it was awesome. I doubt we'll ever speak again though because he was 22k's away, so won't show up on my front page unless I'm over the northside. But I've already said to myself that if he finds me, it's a good thing. Then again, I remember saying that about Aiden a couple of years ago, and that didn't exactly end up well. Oh well.

I really should be getting up and cleaning my room. I'm kind of hungry, but there's nothing here to eat, and I hate going to get food by myself. I'm thinking Subway or something, but it's just so much effort. I wish there was a drive through Subway, I'd be using it all the fucking time. Le sigh.

I think that's it for now... still got tomorrow off work, so that'll be good. Not too sure what I'm doing yet, besides getting a hair cut in the arvo, but I do know that getting my hair cut will be involved. I hope the cute boy is there for me to perve on!

Okay, now that's it.

Will report back re: tonight.
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Sinners and saints... [Jun. 28th, 2010|01:50 pm]

So it's my birthday today. I've spent the day alone so far, which I thought would be depressing, but it actually hasn't been so bad. I had really good intentions to give my room a good clean, but that hasn't really transpired how I thought it would. Actually that's a lie, it's transpired exactly how I thought it would, in the sense that I knew I'd get too lazy to do it. But hey, it's my birthday, so I'll do whatever the fuck I want to!

Seeing Elizabeth this arvo, then got a family dinner thing tonight. I said a few months ago that I wanted a big family dinner thing, but I was kind of hoping everyone would forget about that. Apparently they remembered. Not that I don't want to see everyone, I just don't like all the attention on me. In theory it's fun, but when I'm actually there, it makes me feel awkward having everyone there just for me. I hope they don't sing happy birthday, I really hate that. Now THAT's awkward.

In other news, a boy from work wants to go to a movie tomorrow night. I'm not exactly sure, but I suspect it could be a...argh, I hate even saying the word...date. It's not that I have anything against the theory of going on dates, I just hate the word. Dates are far too much pressure for me. I feel like I have to be constantly charming and hilarious and I'm just fucking terrible at it. And that's just the start of it, I'm very apprehensive about the whole thing. Work things are very dangerous. Especially because I know what I'm like, they just have to do one thing to turn me off, and the whole thing is over in my head. That would be made DOUBLY awkward if it was someone I work with. And I'm completely jumping ahead of myself, because I don't even know if it's even a date. Maybe he just wants a fuck or something.

I really don't understand my thought process sometimes. I constantly think about being in a relationship, and how lovely it would be, and I mentally will happy couples to break up because I'm jealous of them and all that, but as soon as something that has potential to be something comes along (most of the time), I get all scared and nervous and start to think being single ain't really that bad. I'm such an idiot.

Anyway, so I have his number, but I haven't messaged him yet, and I haven't responded about tomorrow night yet. I want to talk to Elizabeth first and try to get myself out of this fucked up mindset I currently have about the whole thing. I probably will end up going, and knowing me, I'll probably end up sleeping with him. Especially because I'll have the place to myself tomorrow night (I think??).

See?? This is what I do, I jump WAY too far ahead and get myself all fucking worked up over shit before it even happens, and before I even know what the fuck it even IS.

I'll report back when I know what's going on.

Stupid thinking too much, grumble grumble grumble.
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The bad touch. [Jun. 15th, 2010|10:00 am]

Just updating for the sake of it. I was really sick yesterday slash Sunday night, which wasn't fun. Puked for the first time in years, it was feral as.

I'm on a little mini holiday until Thursday, I'm pretty fucking bored though. Almost wish I was at work, at least it's something to do, and it's productive.

Anyway, nothing else to say.

Sorry :(.
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No more calling like a crow for a boy. [Jun. 12th, 2010|05:57 pm]

As usual, nothing too exciting to write about. I'm off work until Thursday, so will be good to have a little bit of downtime.

Didn't do much today, just bummed around and watched some Will & Grace. Going out to dinner and a movie with Angeli in about an hour. I put a post on Facebook saying I'm going on a date, just because I can. Plus this is probably the closest I'm going to get to a real date for a while, I suspect.

Anyway nothing else to write about.

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Now we're stuck on rewind. [Jun. 6th, 2010|08:02 pm]

Nothing really important to report on, just thought I should probably check in, since it's apparently been 4 months since I last did. Oops.

Had an ace weekend, went Geocaching yesterday, saw SATC2 last night (letdown much :(), played Taboo today and just watched a DVD. Was nice to have a weekend where I wasn't hungover and sitting in a dark room due to the fact I don't want to deal with sunlight.

Work's going good, I'm seconded to resource planning until November, although I'm still crazy paranoid that something is going to happen to fuck that up. But we'll see.

Still no boy on the scene, have a bit of a crush on a boy at work, but of course I'm too shy to actually go and strike up a conversation with him. No idea if he has a crush back, although I DO know he's gay, due to the fact he looked at my Manhunt profile a little while back :P. Anyway, I don't know why, but I have this supermassive crush on him. I'm sure I'll get over it, but it drives me a little crazy, cos there's something about him that just kinda pulls me in.

Anyway, enough of that. Will attempt to write more often so I don't get to this stage where too much has happened because I left it too long, and I'm too lazy to write about it.

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A to tha B [Feb. 13th, 2010|02:12 pm]
Grumble, I hate Valentine's Day weekend. It makes me feel extremely single and awful. Which is stupid, because it's just some day that some cunt made up to make money. Did they not realise the amount of depression they were unknowingly unleashing on the world of singledom?!

So I have far too much to write about, as usual when I leave it so long between entries. I really couldn't be fucked going through it all.

Going for a BBQ at Lou's tonight, I'm really tired so don't know how I'll hold up. Plus I don't really know many people there very well, but meh, it's something to do I guess. I have to figure out how I'm getting to Kara's to go there and how I'm getting home. I hate figuring things out, why can't everything just be amazingly easy and fall into place?!

I'm hanging with Emma tomorrow for V-Day... I think we're going to the movies and doing some good old fashion couple hating. Stupid people in relationships, grumble indeed.

Yeah, don't feel like writing anymore.

Will try to update more often again, promise.
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