|English summer rain
||[Jul. 3rd, 2010|12:19 pm]
I can't remember when the last time I wrote was, but anyway. Nothing interesting has been happening, same old same old. Back at work now, it's going good, again same as usual. Although I keep thinking about how the end of my secondment is looming closer and closer. I mean, I know I still have 3 months to go, but that's going to go quickly, and then I'm back to what I was doing before. And I'm fairly sure that's going to happen, because I'm fairly sure the guy who I'm covering wants to go back to what he was doing. Sigh. We'll see how it goes.
Speaking of work, I went out with that guy from work. It was okay, but the same as when I always go out with a guy. I can sit here and logically say he's a really nice guy, there's nothing wrong with him, he's doing everything right, but I just don't feel anything. I can tell he's really keen, and I'm trying my hardest to give off "you're nice, but I'm just not down with it" vibes. It doesn't seem to be going very well though, due to the fact he really wants to do something this weekend. I'm considering doing it just so I can say I gave it a good go, but I'm really really doubtful that it would do anything. I know what I'm like, and I know when my mind is made up. I'm going to have to talk to him about it, which isn't exciting me in the slightest. Usually I just close down and get really distant, but I don't think I could do that with someone I work with. I have to see him everyday, so yeah... I don't know. I'm no good at these discussions. I'm thinking about running with "I don't want to date someone I work with", but that's probably not a good idea, because the truth of the matter is, if I met someone at work who I thought was fantastic, I'd do it in a heartbeat. So I think that would be a little mean, turning him down because of that, because imagine if I met someone else in the next couple of months and went for it. No, that would be very bad. My other option is just going "there's nothing wrong with you, I'm a cunt with extremely high standards and I know when I feel something, and unfortunately I don't feel it". I also think that wouldn't go down very well. LE SIGH.
I've been thinking about this whole thing a lot recently, like about how I never feel anything for anyone and such. I've always kind of blamed it on my ex boyfriends, in the sense that they've damaged me and I'm all scared underneath and all that. But I'm starting to think that it's less that, and maybe, just maybe, I don't really want a relationship as much as I thought I did. I'm very self sufficient, and truth be told, happy the majority of the time on my own. Maybe being in a relationship with myself is all I really need, for the moment anyway. If you think about it, it's perfect. I love spending time with myself, I don't get sick of myself, I'm never going to cheat on myself or fuck myself over, I love my taste in music, I can get myself off (and furthermore, I can get myself off quite well), I love my friends and they love me, I love my family and they love me... I don't know. It's just a thought. It's not like I have to make a decision or anything, I just wish I understood myself a little better. See? There's that niggling little thing that's in every relationship, so that makes my relationship with myself even BETTER, because I like a little drama every now and then.
Shrug. One thing I DO need to make a decision on is what to do with this boy from work. Ugh. This shit is too damn hard, I wish I had someone to do these things for me.
That's all. I'm cold and I'm pretty sure my fingers are about to snap off.